As you can tell, I've been a little MIA lately…at least the past 2 weeks! I have to say, it's probably been the roughest week in 3 years for me. Have you ever felt so hurt, beaten down, and discouraged that you just want to shut down emotionally, mentally and spiritually?! Well, I did! I have been working for 3 years at my current job and I can't say it's somewhere I've loved working for. I like what I do and what the company is doing but the people…I could do without. It makes such a huge difference when you work at a job that's not your dream job but you have amazing coworkers vs a job where you like what you do but you have crappy coworkers! People make the difference and can make it or break it all. I know a lot of people have worse but I don't want to compare myself with others. What I'm going through right now is real to me, it's happening, and it affects me…deeply!
I've allowed my circumstances to steal my joy, gratitude, and even my love for God, though I should have chosen to hope in God instead but hopefully that will be a lesson learned once I dig myself out of my self-dug ditch! After 3 long years at a job, I've felt beaten down in so many ways. Being told what I do isn't good enough, never will be, my position is unnecessary, dealing with office politics, I'm the scape-goat for all problems, if I feel uncomfortable with a situation it's because I don't take my job seriously and I'm not serious about growing and taking the steps to get to the next level, I can't let motherhood excuses keep me from my work, told my 6-week disability leave for giving birth was too long, that I would have no place to express breast milk at work because they couldn't find room in all the empty offices, told to not take lunches, told that I shouldn't have felt I had the right to speak with HR about my maternity leave and should have gone to them first…and all that is just touching the tip of the iceberg! I held on after returning from maternity leave thinking maybe things could be different. Then 1 1/2 years later…here I am still dealing with the same things but it feels like it's just going to get worse and my way of dealing with things is to just shut down and lose hope!
This song made me burst into tears and I've listened to this song dozens of times! It describes how I've been feeling this week!
I don't suggest shutting down and losing hope but that's where I was at and I couldn't see how things could be different. I had just lost all hope and couldn't seem to regain it in my life, no matter the scriptures I read or amount of prayers I prayed. Then this week I think was the straw that broke the camel's back because I have not cried as much as I have in the last 3 years as I have in these last 5 days. It's made me face my emotions head on and I was not ready for that. Things happened that just took the turn for the worse and overwhelmed me with all the emotions I had been trying to hide for so long. Basically, our family has a huge decision before us to make that could affect a lot of things. Right now, my choice is to stay at this job or quit. My job currently supplies the majority of our family's income and covers our medical insurance. If I were to leave this job, I would lose the benefits, which makes me most worried for Kiggster, but also, would put us at risk financially in so many areas (mortgage, bills, food, etc). But if I were to stay, I'm not sure I have the strength to handle anymore "beatings" from this place and I feel I would just plunge deeper into being an emotional, spiritual and mental wreck! I know it doesn't have to be this way but I feel where I am at right now, I can't handle much more.
I am putting this out there to all of you that have been following Kangaroo Mama to please say a prayer for us or send good thoughts our way that all the right doors would open up and that God would make it clear what we should do. I feel very confused right now since there are consequences to both decisions. I am grateful that Honey is supportive of whatever decision I make and he is completely supportive of me leaving and us making it work out no matter what happens. He sent me this scripture on Thursday while I was at work and it sent me straight to the bathroom in tears. I love that he always knows how to help soften my heart with God's word, even if my heart has felt dead for so long!
I will find my rest in God alone.
He is the One who gives me hope.
He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me.
He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure.Here is something I am still sure of.I will see the Lord's goodness while I'm still alive.
Wait for the Lord.
Be strong and don't lose hope.
Wait for the Lord.